Five Tips for Winter (That May Only Be Useful If You’re Me)

1. If you can’t find a matching pair, it’s perfectly ok to wear one black leather glove and one fuzzy rainbow glove. It’s also fine to rearrange your outfit to match the look: perhaps a black leather bodysuit with a furry multicoloured trim? One black leather shoe and one fuzzy bright pink slipper should complete the look, making you feel both toasty warm and enjoyably eccentric.

2. If it snows, move a wardrobe to be against your front door. Cut a doorway-sized hole in the back and pretend the outside world is Narnia. You can then choose to go exploring for Aslan – a toy lion or local good-natured cat will be all the props you need – or if you prefer, snuggle up on the sofa and claim you can’t leave the house in case the White Witch gets you.

3.. Pack your razors away for the next six months! Beards and body hair are nature’s way of providing insulation. If you feel unkempt, try plaiting the hair into tiny elaborate shapes, to make it clear that this is a conscious fashion choice on your part. This will also provide employment during the months of darkness, and teach you valuable craft skills sure to be useful in later life.

(Speaking of beards, by the way, my friend Mat is growing one for charity. Think how much more luxuriant it could get if watered by your money.)

4. Furry hats that make you look as though a wild animal is devouring you are a valid fashion choice for adults as well as children. If a passer-by misunderstands the situation and attempts to rip your hat off in order to rescue you, simply view it as a fun conversation-starter.

5. If you wish to avoid turning the heating up from motives of economy or environmentalism, a handy alternative is to vividly remember something embarrassing that once happened to you. The resulting hot flush of shame will provide valuable warmth and a pleasing rosy glow. And if you share the experience with your loved ones, their affectionate laughter will provide material for the next time you need that warming memory. Free self-replicating heating!

(Bonus genuine tip: my sister’s gorgeous quilts, blankets, balls and bags are the ideal Christmas present for any babies in your life.)



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